[Toxic] Boss vs Leader: Where do you stand?
I was recently scrolling through LinkedIn when I saw a post where someone recently left a toxic job where their previous manager was so toxic, that they even badmouthed the employee when the new company was trying to do an employment verification. A true Leader wouldn’t have done this. So how do you tell a Boss from a Leader? Let’s peel this onion and find out.
What is a Toxic Boss?
A toxic boss has let their position, and thus their power, go to their head. They have no issue chewing out any employee in front of everyone else, and will even go so far as to belittle people by calling them ‘stupid’ in front of everyone else. They may also go so far as to humiliate the employees to make themselves feel better or show their power.
While I cannot prove this was ‘real’, if you watch Season 1, Episode 2 of Undercover Boss (Hooters), you can see a really good example of a toxic boss throwing their power around, and being happy about it. Viewer Beware, it’s not pretty.
A toxic boss will lie, abuse their privileges or power, and not care who they hurt along the way. There are plenty of stories that you can find by doing a web search for ‘toxic boss story’ or similar. I recall reading stories over the years where a toxic boss was called out as being toxic to HR, so the toxic boss immediately fired the one who called them out.
Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person”
and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say
“if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t
treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
I came across this statement while scrolling through social media one day. Originally posted on Tumbler, I believe this is an excellent example of how a toxic boss can think. I’ve seen many bosses who ‘look down’ on their direct reports.
What is a Non-Toxic Boss?
While I have no numbers to prove it, I feel most managers likely fall under the non-toxic boss status. These managers are generally friendly, and so long as you do well, you don’t have to worry about them. They will guide the product/team to the best of their ability. Of course, they will have good days and bad days (who doesn’t), but the majority of the time, their focus will be on the business or product.
What is a Leader?
Just under a decade ago, I started a new job. On my very first day, something happened that stood out to me, that I will never forget. This was a company of about 30 people at the time. The CEO showed up after most of the employees had arrived. He then went through the entire office, greeting every employee and shaking their hands. I had never seen this before, nor have I seen it since. Certainly, I’ve seen various bosses or managers go through and greet people and of course, were friendly, but never had I seen this type of dedication. Fast forward to my first bonus with the company, and I found myself surprised again. The CEO again went to each person individually, shaking their hands, and gave them their bonus checks in person, while thanking them for their work and contributions. I must admit that the role was challenging, and it could sometimes be difficult to work with the CEO because of his high standards, but I guarantee you I will respect that man for the rest of my life.
One of my favorite videos on leadership, Employee Teaches BOSS a Lesson was created by Prince Ea a couple of years ago. I highly suggest you watch it.
What sets a Leader apart from a Non-Toxic Boss tends to be their focus. A Non-Toxic Boss focuses on the product, while the Leader focuses on their employees. While they still have the same general responsibilities of managing the product, the focus placed on the employees makes it so that productivity is going to go through the roof.
While there are deeper aspects to how a Leader thinks and acts, this focus on the employee is the single greatest distinction. Leaders focus on helping you grow, not only on the job but in your career and outside of work as well. They are focused first on you, the person, and second on you, the employee.
One way you can measure how good a leader is is by whether or not they can produce leaders who can produce leaders. Put another way, a true leader has produced leaders and those leaders can or have also produced leaders.
Also worth mentioning here, is that Leaders are “owners” of their domain knowledge. I invite you to read my other article, “Ownership: An often overlooked and undervalued soft skill in Tech” to learn more.
Is your manager actually toxic?
Something I want to address here. We’ve probably all heard horror stories about toxic bosses. I know I have. However, I’ve also heard stories that are told about toxic bosses, but upon listening, I realized it wasn’t really toxicity, per se, but rather that the boss was just bad at communicating.
Steve Jobs has been quoted as saying “Your work is shit.” I first learned about this when I read Radical Candor by Kim Scott, a book I highly advise all Leaders to read multiple times. This can seem rather toxic. However, note that Steve said their work was bad, not that they were bad. Additionally, he would then go over WHY he thought their work was bad.
To be clear, it is not my intent to imply this type of behavior is okay, but simply to point out the differences that set it apart from toxic bosses.
If the above comments about Steve Jobs seem toxic to you, despite the additional notes, then, you are probably like me in that the tone your manager uses when saying something can affect your mood for the rest of the day. If this is true, then let me encourage you to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Strictly speaking, this book is aimed at couples. However, it applies to all relationships, including co-workers on several levels. While not related to toxic bosses, I hope that you will learn a bit more about yourself and better understand why the Steve Jobs comments are unsettling to you. This won’t change your manager of course, but it will at least help you better cope with your manager’s negative communication style.
Where do you stand?
I’m a manager
As a manager, your next evolution in your career is going to be that of becoming a leader. I highly advise reading Radical Candor by Kim Scott. I feel this is the perfect first step into becoming a leader. After that, I can also suggest you read Empowered by Marty Sagan. The former book will teach you how to have a better relationship with your direct reports, while the latter will teach you how to let them go to do their thing.
My manager is Toxic
Before going further, please take another look at the section labeled ‘Is your manager actually toxic?’ above. There may be something else going on here, and you just aren’t quite seeing it yet.
If your manager is truly toxic, then here is something you can try. Please keep in mind though that due to the general nature of how toxic managers tend to be, short of being terminated, it is highly likely that your manager will become even more toxic as a result of any ‘disciplinary actions’ applied to them, especially if it ends up being just a slap on the wrist for them. Ultimately, it means that anything you do could end up hurting yourself, so you must tread carefully.
Disclaimer: These are simply my opinions and I have no way to guarantee they will be effective. You do this at your own risk.
That said, I suggest you find as many people as you can who agree that the manager is toxic. Then have all those co-workers anonymously contact the HR department. If the toxic person is the person you’d contact in HR or there is no formal HR department, then consider contacting their boss or the CEO instead. In either case, try to do this anonymously. The simplest way would be to use a ‘temporary email’. Just do a web search for ‘temporary email’ and choose the provider you prefer. These are accounts that’ll create the e-mail address, but it expires after a certain amount of time. It’s not uncommon to use one when filling out a form that requires your email, but you don’t feel safe giving it out.
Keep in mind that if you do submit the details anonymously, there really is no way for you to follow up on it. You will expose yourself as the whistleblower otherwise. This is one of the reasons I suggest having multiple people do this, as if enough people submit the request at the same time, then HR is more likely to look into it.
If doing this results in either the toxic manager being terminated or they start to improve, then awesome! Unfortunately, I suspect it won’t go the way you want it to. A worst-case scenario is that the toxic manager will find out and terminate you as a show of power. At this point, the best thing for you to do is to get out of there. Find yourself a new job, but be aware that there is a chance that your toxic manager will be even more toxic if they are contacted for employment verification. Normally, my advice would be to not be negative towards your past co-workers in an interview as it makes you look bad. This is one of the places where I have to go against this and say you should consider being upfront and honest about why you are leaving the company by saying it is due to the toxicity of your current environment. Once you have a new job, if your company does “exit interviews”, by all means, you should bring up the toxicity of your manager.
Conclusion
While I would hope no one has to deal with a toxic boss, I sadly know that it’s not possible. At the very least, I hope you understand the differences between a leader and a traditional manager. Either way, I hope this opens your eyes to being a leader in your own way in the future.
Have an idea for an article you’d wish me to discuss? Please feel free to make any suggestions!
